What Happened in New Zealand

I arrived in Queenstown New Zealand and will be staying in Glenorchy. To get there is a beautiful windy road with epic views of cascading mountains some with snow still remaining on their peaks. The lake changes colors moment to moment and the great delta is majestic in every sense of the word.

Most of the days I find myself alone in a beautiful and remote home. From each window the mountains hang over me in a loving embrace. The bright blue of the lake settles my soul. Being this far away from radio waves, cellular waves, micro waves and other electronic disturbances and radiation of the city has given me calm. Having the time and space to search my own Soul, commune with my own Heart and take actions that bring me closer to my Truth has revealed some beautiful and important aspects of my life and psyche.

I am blessed with time to rest in myself and be. I am gifted the space to observe long held beliefs that no longer resonate with who I am now and to begin to shift the inner script and let my Soul run wild again. Because of this deeply internal time I haven’t been called to send out my monthly newsletter or even wish my community and readers Happy New Year. While I wish everyone well, It feels foreign to me right now. I haven’t been ready to be out there in the sphere of things. I have been holding sacred space for myself in a way that I haven’t done in years.

I am feeling content with my low level of ambition and my high level of self integrity. I want to put words to what I am going through and the insights I have gleaned, yet there are no words for these things only an inner knowing and a resting place in the family of things. The lessons that are revealing themselves from an authentic inner listening have been profound to say the least. And while each aha moment resonates clarity in a healing and cathartic way I understand implicitly that that clarity is for me alone, unique to my own soul evolution and can’t be translated or packaged for mass consumption.

What I would like to say is that if you haven’t had time to listen to your soul but instead find yourself researching the next workshop, seminar, retreat or book that will give you the answers you seek you are looking in the wrong direction.

I teach yoga and lead spirit adventure retreats. What I want is for people to enjoy life again, to give themselves an adult time out and relish in a healing safe space so they can get their priorities straight. I don’t garuntee anything when you come to a workshop or a retreat. What you make of it is up to you.  I struggled with something existential for a few years. I was trying to figure out what my message was and how I could help others transform and live their truth and sum it up in a succinct tag line, post or catch phrase.  Yet, in my soul it has never felt right, I knew I couldn’t package your Soul for you and tie it up in a nice bow, tell you what to do and in what order and send you home with a pat on the back or a slap on the ass. It didn’t feel sincere to offer promises of transformation or bliss or enlightenment or success or good sex when I knew that truly it is up to each of us to live the life we are given, to overcome our own obstacles and reveal our own Souls. As we all know in life there are no guarantees. Some of us will pull ourselves out of the rumble and others will bury themselves deeper. Perhaps its karma, our upbringing, sheer luck or timing or all the above. I have come to realize that It is up to each of us to give ourselves a spiritual spanking.

When I look at my own life and how I came to this ecstatically liberated messy and utterly human place from my sordid, scandalous and steamy past I see a pattern. I have always been willing to follow my heart, trust my own inner knowing, be willing to smell and identify my own shit and follow life’s little nudges even when it was scary, especially when it didn’t make sense, and most certainly when it didn’t fit into a system. 

I am the eternal loner, misfit, outsider, rebel, trouble maker. I made peace with that at 16. Yet, the truth about me is I am easily influenced, perhaps to a fault, hence I try to stay away from external forces. This of course gives no guarantees either. Its true, we can’t escape life or our own nature. The only way out is through.

Indulging in this isolated and secluded time alone has provided much solace. I have always lived in the big city. I was born and raised in Los Angeles and moved to NYC three years ago. My whole life I have been inundated with go-getters and jet-setters and I am so grateful for that. It has made me who I am and I am surely ambitious and have been groomed by the best of them. What these past 2 months have helped me recover is that my ambition, when directed toward my Soul, will satisfy my every longing, answer all my burning questions and set a blazing path before me that is more glamorous and shiny then anything that can be sold or commodified.

I am taking my ques from a deeper place within, relaxing into what feels right. Literally, I am doing what I want. Not what I think I should do. I am not imposing any rules on myself that don’t feel in accordance with my Souls longing. I am not pushing, I am allowing. I am not hungry, I am satiated. I get my tasks done, I activate, I do my inner soul crafting, I enjoy my mindbody practice without agenda. Wow…What a revelation!

For you my dear reader I have nothing to sell but a lot of love and respect to give you and your Soul. The journey is not without bumps and missed turns and we may never know for sure why we are in fact here on this planet or how we as a conscious species fit or what our TRUE purpose is. But we might stumble onto something that feels right for a time and that gives our minds a rest from the eternal search. I hope you are as lucky as I am to pause and fall into a deep penetrating exhale.

I take my teachings from the mountains and the trees, the wind and the rain, the harsh sun and the forgiving gentle moon. I learn from the intimate relationships I cultivate and the other humans I see who are also doing their best to live free and struggle to make meaning. I pray we all remember how to love the Earth that feeds us and the Soul that sings us.

I don’t care who you think you are, you ain’t got this shit figured out just yet, so chill

Nianna BrayComment